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Monday
Jun132011

A Love Letter

I indulge in people, relationships, situations. I find comfort, safety; and I bury myself in its fold. I Indulge in you. I have indulged in you; and now that it’s time, I cannot move. I won’t. I need to maintain control, control of the situation and all situations. I will not relinquish the comfort and safety I feel- the comfort and safety of being nestled in your fold, being stationary, steady on the ground.

I indulge in people, the safe, comfort of relationships. I do not want you to leave. I do not want you to change. I do not want babies, children to grow. I do not want death of any kind to occur. The drug of non-change, my perceived full control, you, takes such good care of me that I cannot be without it. The thought is paralyzing.

Your body and skin, your smell and touch provides for me such an amazing high, I cannot bear to lose it. Oh please don’t leave me. The thought of living for one moment in need frightens me so. I do not recognize the changes that have occurred around me, the new people and situations that have entered my life. I cannot live in this moment because I’m still indulging in the thought of you. I want to right all wrongs, mine and yours; fix the broken pieces. I want to show you that I can do it better, do it right.

Ultimately, I love you. I’m scared to one day not love you, to one day not care about fixing things and right-ing wrongs. I know that things will change; and I’m scared in this moment for a future me that tries hard to even remember what the big deal was. I’m scared to live in a world and space where I don’t need you or want you. I’m scared to be ok without you.

I don’t want to let go. I just want to indulge. I don’t want to ask questions about the unspoken issues looming over our heads. I don’t want you to confirm them and therefore the change that it is inevitable. I want to love and need you in a time and space that will forever remain untouched.

I indulge in people. Even though I never thought that I would indulge in you or this in such a way. Here I am nestled, buried in this comfort zone; and I don’t want to leave it behind for a new “home”. The problem is that I do not have the control I wish for. You have since long gone from this place. I want to indulge; but you are not there anymore. I am not there anymore; only the idea of what once was beautiful and comfortable.

While on one hand I want to heal; on the other I wish that we would both agree to go back to that quiet, comfortable place, even if just for brief moments. Oh please? If you saw these tears that stream from my face, I know you’d take me back there just as I would you in a heartbeat. I would like to think it so.

 Is it fair of me to ask you to indulge with me when your current diet requires other measures be taken?  No. But, indulgence is not about fairness or moderation. I want to indulge. I’d like to say “just once more”; but I know that I will never have enough.

I love you.

Anya

 

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